All that matters.

I hate it when good days end badly.

I'm not gonna lie. Today was pretty great. I remember just feeling so alive and happy and positive, over the course of the day. At first glance, you might've thought I was having some kind of spasm... but no. That's just my positive energy kicking in. I get incredibly hyper and all I want to do is bounce around and laugh. That happened today :)

Chloe and I decided to be "geeks" in Chemistry, as we put on our protective goggles and gloves. It was quite amusing, at least to us. Everyone else thought we were freaks, which made it all the more wonderful.

So driving home from school today, I thought to myself, Today was a good day.

Then I got home.

The "home" part wasn't the bad part. I was still in considerably good spirits as the day continued.

Then I remembered; my math test would now be posted on Edline.

I now remember what it's like to take Algebra.

Have you ever thought that you did really well on a test, and then all of a sudden, your grade appears and it's low enough that you can't help being shocked...? you have no idea how this could have happened...?

That's like Algebra and me. Constant confidence that is turned into utter disappointment.

I currently have a B in Algebra. A B. I can't live with a B. That's the honest truth. As I'm just thinking about that B, a lump forms in my throat that I can't seem to swallow.

So yes. I would say I have a bit of a problem with Algebra. Math in general, of course... but I just can't grasp Algebra. And it tears me apart. I hoenstly keep thinking to myself... why am I so stupid?

Mr. Johson insists that no one is bad at math. It's just sometimes hard for you brain to get around things, and you have to find the way that your brain works and all that. Well, my brain is literally shut down when it comes to this subject. I'm just so ignorant.

I'd also say I have a bit of a problem when it comes to grades.

I am a straight A student, and I always have been. I recieved a B two years ago, in Algebra 1, for the first time. Ever.

I shed many, many tears over that B.

I can't help comparing myself to the fictional character of Hermione Granger, from the Harry Potter series. I'm currently re-reading half of the series, and am now on the last book.

Hermione has a problem with grades too. Except the difference between me and her, is that she's the best. She doesn't procrastinate, she doesn't slow down, she doesn't give up. She perseveres and does her very best, and is literally brilliant.

Well, ladies and gentleman. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to accept this... but I'm just not brilliant. There will always, always be people who are better than me, at everything I do. I will never be the best. I've tried and tried again to be the best. And I've failed, every time.

The worst is when you think you've finally accomplished the best at something. You feel like finally there is something I can excel at beyond anyone else.

And then the truth hits you like a slap in the face. You aren't the best.

What am I supposed to do? I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's so terribly hard for me to understand this. To take it into account, and live with it.

I think I know why... I think this has just been the last straw for me.

I used to think I was a marvelous singer. That was until I realized that people like Maggie Dransfield and Julie Johnson were better than me, and that they will always be better than me. I conceded. I understood. I was good, but I wasn't that good, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

I used to think I was a very talented actress. That was until I realized that people like Chloe Burns were better than me... and yes, she will always, always be better than me. I can live with that. I love to act, I love to sing. But I realized it was something I had to live with, and thus, I again conceded.

Singing. Acting. Dancing. Running. I understand. I'm not the best at these things. I tried, and I failed.

So I turn to academics. Academics, the one thing that I may actually be the very best at.

And still. Still I fail.

Over.

And over.

And over again.

I know this is supposed to be humbling. That I'm supposed to say how much I've learned from this experience; I may not be the best at what I do, and I just have to live with that fact.

But I still don't understand. I try, so hard. I expect so much. I pray and wish and dream.

But people are still better than me.

This is the part where I wonder if I'm good for anything. My talents are limited, my gifts are insufficient for the ones of this world. This is the part where I wallow in self-misery... not that I haven't been doing that quite well up to this point. So what am I good at? At all?

Well.

I'm good at worshipping.

And that is all that matters.